Post 31, 4/7/17: Valentina hot sauce from tom’s cupboard

Post 31, 4/7/17: Valentina hot sauce from tom’s cupboard

Oh hey guys – good to see you! Wow, what a great audience. It’s been a little while since we’ve crossed paths, but that’s ok – we all get busy, from time to time, but I’ll never forget about you. It’s like that Sting song, “Every Breath You Take“, a totally innocent, non-threatening song about you, who takes breaths, who makes moves, who breaks bonds, and who takes steps… who I’ll always be watching. You. I’ll always be watching you, salmon nation.



Anyways, let’s talk just for a moment about the main ingredient in today’s food review: Valentina hot sauce or “¡salsa picante!” (which you should be hearing in your mind as if it were Esteban Colberto deftly pronouncing pretty much any Spanish word, ever),

… made in lovely Guadalajara, Mexico. Guadalajara… ah, the sunshine state. Guadalajara… gorgeous! Gorgeous. As Mexico’s second largest city it is truly regarded as one of the country’s quintessential destinations – known for it’s top five facts list, which has an amazing — wait for it —  TWO (!!!) #2 facts. Or, as Esteban might say, “dos”.

Now you might be asking yourself, or me – how are you pronouncing that word, tom? Dos? Or, dos? What does it mean? Life is full of mystery and wonder.

I’ll use it in a sentence – I think there is a little “dos” much crime in Guadalajara for ol’ tom. I mean, there are not “dos”, but tres, forms of kidnappings to be warned about in Guadalajara, according to very official sounding website

  • Traditional: victim is physically abducted and held captive until a ransom is paid for release (but probably murdered).
  • Express: victim is abducted for a short time and commonly forced to withdraw money, usually from an ATM, then released (or murdered).
  • Virtual: victim is sucked into an old arcade game and held hostage until their little brother beats the final boss (or is splattered like when you run into the light cycle tail in TRON).

Anyways, as you all know, I like to do lots of background research when reviewing any food item, and Valentina hot sauce (“¡salsa picante!“) is no different.

For example, I found this little-known fact about hot sauce here: the type of chili pepper used is often key to how hot the sauce is; the hotter the pepper, the hotter the sauce. That is unbelievable. Also, did you know that while it’s called “hot” sauce, you can often find it at room temperature?

I’ll give you a few moments to compose yourself after having your mind blown.

But in actual interesting news, a scientific journal reported that drinking 1-1/2 quarts of Louisiana hot sauce, if you weigh 140 pounds or less, will cause death by respiratory failure. It seems weird that it did the report on you, specifically. That’s what the study says anyways. Hmm… it says if you drink 1-1/2 quarts of hot sauce… I wonder what will happen if it is administered to you intravenously, say, by someone who has been watching your every movement from afar? Perhaps while you’re just barely waking up, in a seedy model bathtub filled with ice, and no kidneys?

Maybe I’ll just try 1-1/3 quarts… FOR SCIENCE!!!

That’s a lot of knowledge already, but if I can throw one more fact at you: that sweaty reaction you get when indulging in hot sauce is called gustatory perspiration. I also got that accidentally one time when I ate some undercooked chicken wings. Gustatory perspiration is when a violent mixture of water and fart gas shoots out of your butt for 10-12 hours, right?

Man I gotta say, sometimes I feel like this blog is more about farting, and pooping, and kidnapping plots than serious food reviews. Like for instance this post about delicious Valentina hot sauce (“¡salsa picante!“) – am I really getting across the fact that it’s a great, medium spicy sauce? That it goes especially great on anything taco, nacho, or otherwise Hispanic cuisine-related, but is also neutral enough that you could use it on pretty much any type of food? That it’s reminiscent of one of the old standards like Cholula, but a far more more thick, flavorful version?

Sometimes I just don’t know. Sometimes I think this blog is really just about finding new things to call farts: like ass acoustics, back blasts, or answering the call of the wild burrito. Yep, that last one is a real thing that is on the internet.

3.5/5 will use on tacos again. Speaking of tacos, you got to try the tacos at the Ohio Tavern. I just learned of them by smelling the heavenly scent on Saturday night, and based on pretty much all the internet has to say, you will not be disappointed. Don’t blame me if you have a few burps out the wrong end, though.

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